Episode 1

"You'd better be able to do a push-up with a girl sittin' on you." —Chad

Yay for a new season! I've been openly excited to watch Jojo—the quintessential girl's girl—carry her own season, and how could we begin without a healthy dose of awkwardly long B-rolls spent gazing at flora...

... and a touching toast from a few former leads?

 EACH. ONE.

EACH. ONE.

 

INTROS

The intro videos had some great punny lines which you know the men came up with entirely on their own...

  • Grant, a firefighter: "I hope Jojo is the one that lights my fire."
  • Jordan, a former pro quarterback: "I'm hoping I'm gonna be Jojo's number one draft pick."
  • Evan, an erectile dysfunction specialist: "I was a pastor for years but now I've a different way to lift people's spirits."

But by far my highlights of the intros were James S, the Bachelor superfan's self-aware and intentional mockery of the show and himself...

... and Luke's pensive and perhaps not-so-intentionally funny (and thus hilarious) "nothing-like-a-good-one-legged-barn-lean" B-roll:

 "HEY GIRL." (and note the leg switch)

"HEY GIRL." (and note the leg switch)

 

NIGHT ONE

Jojo has a pretty solid crop of men. As always, my first impressions and Top 4 predictions are over on my Flare recap, but I'll add to that here having watched it again. Derek stood out to me as being a very cute John Krasinski lookalike, and I noted liking his self-deprecation. I think Grant meant to be sweet with his opener, but not only was it weird to say this to a girl who's still in the name-confirming stages of meeting you...

... it also doesn't even make sense since there are no other girls.

Because I like inappropriate humor (which still seems to shock many), I had a true LOL at Jonathan's one-liner...

... but he really should have quit while he was ahead:

 nail in coffin.

nail in coffin.

That kilt inexplicably enraged our resident Canadian, the well-adjusted and totally socially adept Daniel...

 FORESHADOWING.

FORESHADOWING.

I don't know about you, but if there's one person I want advice on "keeping it cool" from, it's definitely Daniel.

As I said last season, there is usually a montage of gimmick limo exits... 

We consecutively get Jonathan with his kilt, "Saint Nick", Chase with his 'stache, architect Jake (who appears totally normal and appears during Robby's voiceover about "confident, successful, well-dressed men"), Sal with his blue balls, Coley ("I'm in real estate, too. I'm hoping by the end of this that I will be the one to take you off the market"), "hipster" and Bachelor neophyte Brandon, Nick S with his splits, Vinny with his "toast", Peter and his stuffed heart ("Man Crush Monday"), Evan (who frankly did nothing weird or wrong), with the clown montage music coming to a screeching halt with the arrival of Wells and his acapella group. 

Luke nailed the role of last exit even better than he nailed his aforementioned B-rolls, thanks to his adorable "unicorn", Coconut. He was helped, of course, by tinkly frontrunner music. 

As I've said before, the filming and airing of limo exit order are rarely the same. Usually the first and last exits are indeed filmed in that order, but the sandwich filling is a free-for-all.

 

NIGHT ONE

There's always a segment of the contestants gushing over how attractive they find the lead...

... and I enjoyed Luke referencing the infamous Hot Crazy Matrix...

Go to 4:46 of that video to be educated about the "unicorn zone". Serious stuff.

In case the fact alone that Jordan looks like a frontrunner isn’t enough to confirm that he is, indeed, a frontrunner, editing beats us over the head with it…

Based on his ITMs about the other guys I have a hunch Chad may be this season’s villain. Plus, nothing condemns you faster in the Bachelorette world than saying something as cocky as this...

 DUH DUH DUH.

DUH DUH DUH.

Last but not least, Daniel’s drunken antics provide ample entertainment throughout the evening...

 NO, EVAN, IT IS NOT.

NO, EVAN, IT IS NOT.

... and to use his own words, "keeps it cool the first night"...

... securing himself a coveted bunk bed in the Bachelorette mansion. 

 

BEST DRESSED

There were quite a few well put-together gentlemen, but my runner-up for Best Dressed is Jordan...

Okay, so he didn’t take any massive risks, but he looks elegant and dapper. Simple but classic colors, a good fit, and a tie clip. That’s all you need.

Alex wins my Best Dressed slot for Night One...

I love a mismatched match and that exactly what his tie and pocket square are. The colors, too, are classic and everything fits like a glove. There's a subtle adventurousness to this outfit that show effort without trying too hard. 👏🏼

 

WORST DRESSED

I really like my two Worst Dressed men so it pains me to single them out like this, but James F's color combo is not good...

This isn't the first time I've expressed my disdain for chubby, shiny jewel-toned ties. I actually don't mind a black suit jacket with a black shirt, but in that case things should be kept understated with a (preferaby patterned) neutral-toned tie. This look is unfortunately magician-y. :(

Evan is an early favorite of mine. I find his commentaries clever and love how he emotes (as evidenced even here). Unfortunately, I can't let this ensemble slide...

Okay, so I can see the irony in slamming Evan for his outfit in a shot with Jonathan’s kilt. But the kilt and Santa costumes are gimmicks and don’t count! Evan's whole look is too rumpled and "whatever"-looking, and while I can occasionally get on board with a—as in ONE—bracelet on a man, provided some interesting sentimental value, a stack of beaded and wrap bracelets...? No. The whole thing is too casual for Night One on The Bachelorette. At least James F. appears to have made an effort. Sorry, Evan. You're still one of my favorites!

 

JOJO'S LOOKS

Assembling this section was a bit overwhelming since I happen to think Jojo's got great style; she was consistently one of my Best Dressed ladies last season. I think I'm as much (if not more) excited to see what she wears this season as I am for the season itself. As I traditionally do for Bachelorette seasons, I'll highlight her looks (and where you can get them) and save the Best/Worst Dressed for the men.

Bachelorette promo dresses are never ground-breaking, but nonetheless Jojo looks beautiful and very Jessica Rabbit-like. If you've got a black tie event you just need a red sequined gown for, you can find more information about Jojo's exact MacDuggal dress HERE, and there's a similar-ish one selling for less HERE.

A few of you wrote me asking about Jojo's one-piece that she wore for a photoshoot with People magazine...

I have you guys to thank because I LOVE this swimsuit and wouldn't have seen it if it weren't for you. The stripes, the retro colors, the open back, the fact that it's a one-piece! Top to bottom win. Her suit is by Solid & Striped but that exact color combo (HERE) is sold out everywhere. However, there are similar versions of the same suit by the same brand (as well as some others that caught my eye) above! 

One of you also asked about this romper Jojo wore for a photoshoot...

Cute, right? It's by Vanilla Sky but they maddeningly aren't aware it's 2016 and don't sell anything online. (According to their website they have several locations in the New York/New Jersey area.) I love this piece and may have to hit up their Brooklyn location to see if they've got my size...

From the same photoshoot...

The second I saw this cardigan I wanted to know more about it. It's so unique and yet strangely versatile (when a arts-and-crafts-y fringe knit cardigan works on the beach over a bikini and denim shorts, it earns the title of versatile.) Jojo's cardigan is by Ulla Johnson and sells HERE. Similar and wallet-friendlier options are above.

Now onto outfits from the actual episode! First up is the denim-on-denim ensemble Jojo chose for her contemplative B-rolls...

THIS. This outfit shows innately good style. It is not easy to pull off denim on denim without it looking vaguely like a Canadian tuxedo (look it up). She was smart to pair two completely different tones of denim and choosing jeans that are dark (but not black!) enough to be dressy. Jojo's shirt is from Pull & Bear (you may remember it from the Episode 5 Group Date last season) and sells HERE, but since I'm still pretty certain they don't ship to the US, I've included very similar alternatives above. Her jeans are Citizens of Humanity and sell HERE (with wallet-friendlier alternatives above).

For her Girl Talk with Kaitlyn, Ali, and Desiree...

Alone, I like this romper but I don't love it. Yes, it's nice, but I feel like long-sleeved floral rompers have been done. With those booties, however, the look is still feminine, but now updated and edgy. Jojo's Blue Life romper is sadly sold out (HERE) but a near-identical one by the same brand is still available (above).

They didn't get enough airtime, but the turquoise and diamond earrings Jojo wore with the floral romper were to die for...

You guys know by now I'm a sucker for turquoise—the right turquoise—and these are PRETTY. Jojo's Bachelorette treatment is in full swing as these earrings are by fine jewelry line The Woods, and the most similar pair still available sells HERE. If, however, you don't have $1760 lying around, some good alternatives are above.

I've mentioned before that I sometimes wish the Bachelorettes' Night One dresses weren't always so bedazzled...

... but Jojo's Randi Rahm gown put my foot firmly in my mouth because DAMN did she look good. The perfect fit, the gold-meets-nude color, the fact that it wasn't ENTIRELY beaded... It wasn't prom-y at all which is hard to avoid when going beaded/sequined. Her exact dress is from a Randi Rahm bridal collection from a few years ago and next to impossible to find, but I scoured around and located a few gold gowns in case you're in the market for one. Jojo's shoes are Badgley Mischka, are surprisingly affordable (considering the dress and jewelry), and sell HERE.

Jojo's jewelry, further evidence of her Bachelorette treatment, is all by Jaimie Geller—is real (not costume) and most definitely hard to obtain. I couldn't find her earrings anywhere, but a fairly similar pair (for only $30!) sell HERE. A similar silhouette but in silver is above. As for the ring, if you've got $5914 to spare, you can pick up Jojo's exact one for yourself HERE. Otherwise, my alternatives are above!

 

Until next week, fellow pandas!