Episode 1

Before I begin, let me first say I have intentionally avoided spoilers. (not easy, since I do love me some Reality Steve) I just felt if I were to recap the show it would be somehow more pure to do so from a place of truly not knowing anything. With this in mind, if you plan on commenting, please avoid spoilers!


Is it just me or was that a fairly "normal" Night One? No over-use of "fairytale" and a girl at the helm who's as accomplished as she is beautiful. A woman in a strong profession is overdue for this franchise. It's about time there was someone with little spice representing women.

Also, girl looks FINE. Brow Police approves whole-heartedly:

Fashion Police cannot say the same for this ridiculous tank, however:

No, Andi will not essept that ugly-ass rose.

No, Andi will not essept that ugly-ass rose.

And lest we forget what this show is about, good ol' Andrew reminds us. He's surely nudged to make an on-camera toast inside the limo and delivers this doozy without nearly enough irony: "Here's to meeting the woman of one of our dreams and living happily ever after."

The producers love him.

The producers love him.


Schtick, /SHtik/, noun: Anything a contestant does to stand out upon exiting their limo


Marcus, 25 - Strong starter. I actually like that he's gone a bit casual. He doesn't seem too "into" being there. Good-looking. I found "I have a lot to offer" endearing.

Chris, 32 - Quietly likable... still trying to figure him out. He has potential as a dark horse, I think.

JJ, 30 - Despite the fact that he's the obviously "quirky" one, I think he's very nerdy cute. He's got a bit of a John Krasinski thing going on.

Marquel, 26 - Loud (but good) dresser who somehow doesn't seem cocky... almost shy. Megawatt smile. 

Rudy, 31 - That voluntary 4th waiver was the right kind of schtick. There's something old-school adorable about him. Like.

Jason, 35 - I actually like him but wish he hadn't caved when the producers suggested he do some schtick. That "joke" earned him the clown music... not a good sign.

Nick V, 33 - Charmingly shy but he kept it together well.

Patrick, 29 - I have no issue with the soccer schtick but he just seems a bit affected. Maybe it's nerves... That said, his kick was very impressive. (since I'm such an expert and all)

Emil, 33 - I actually liked Emil from the tiny snippet. Sort of a shame about the name thing. He seemed sincere and able to laugh at himself.

Brett, 29 - Oooh, clown music from the get-go. I thought the lamp schtick was pretty funny, actually, and he kept a great straight face. 

Eric, 31 - Cutest schtick. He's adorable and so handsome. So strange and tragic to watch and know he's gone.

Josh M, 29 - Nice enough but such a jock. That hair. But he's clearly going to go far because Andi clearly thinks he's hot and he got prime Limo Exit real estate. (last)

This hair screams "compensating."

This hair screams "compensating."

Side observation about Josh: That brief interview shot of Andi saying, "I definitely have to keep my eye on this one. It's kind of hard to tell, is he being completely genuine?" Her words alone aren't anything to put stock in, but compare her hair/makeup/lack of on-loan bling/generic candle-lit backdrop. Clearly this interview was done much after the fact, which makes me think something interesting might happen with Josh's storyline:

Josh isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Josh isn't going anywhere anytime soon.


Even though my thoughts on Patrick are still mixed, his getup was my favorite. He didn't try anything too crazy with his crisp white shirt and navy suit, but his lapels had lovely, subtle detailing on them. Most of all I loved the burgundy tie; an old color updated by the tie's skinniness. And the tie clip just works on him.


Marcus is just a baby at 25, but he seems mature and sort of lived in. To me he comes off as self-aware (big plus), and he doesn't seem overly "into" being there. His quietness could come across as conceit but I'm certain he's just an introvert who looks first before he leaps. Like.

There's something magnetic about Marquel. He's smooth but never too smooth, handsome and confident while managing to not seem cocky. I LOVED his black-and-white cookie bit, which cheekily poked fun at this series' history with "token" contestants. (I honestly believe the mere fact ABC aired that was a step for them) 

What I love about Nick V's receiving the First Impression Rose is I guarantee you none of the guys saw this coming. But just look at him! He's modest and sincere and quietly confident. His unabashed glee at receiving the rose only makes him more endearing. Whether or not I see a real future between these two is a different story, but I like Nick V and LOVE that Andi saw something in him.


Before I offend anyone, let me just say that one of my biggest peeves is overt attention whores. Yes, I realize everyone on this series (myself included) did not end up there by accident. But believe it or not, I think this show is a fascinating study of human interaction and relationship development, and it detracts from the authenticity of this when someone is obviously there to chase the spotlight.

First flop of the night goes to Cody. From the limo-pushing spectacle (we get it, you have muscles) to the too-orange tan, to the popped-collar on his rumpled jacket, this guy has "douche" written all over him. It's possible he's really great and has depth, but he's doing a hell of a job concealing it.

Oh, Bradley. I almost didn't even want to address Bradley because everything he's doing is such a cry for attention, it feels like rewarding a dog with a treat when it begs. I'll just say this: There is a socially appropriate time and place for breaking into operatic song and Night One in the Bachelor mansion is neither. Yes, it's more likely than not that a producer crafted this singing scenario, but you can't rape the willing. I've just invented a Wrong Reasons award and Bradley is the undisputed winner.



Honestly, Andi's gown wasn't for me. I get that it's a one-of-a-kind designer piece and there's no doubt it's beautiful, but I felt like it was an even more ornate version of the already-too-bedazzled Night One dresses worn by Bachelorettes of seasons past:



I'd love to see a Night One dress that brings the drama with a unique cut or silhouette and in a solid but striking single color, rather than all the beads and metallics. But never mind the dress. The fashion star of the show was THOSE EARRINGS. I am completely OBSESSED:

Sadly for most of us, including Andi who didn't get to keep them, these aren't costume. She tells me they're by Cezua. Her words: "I was like, "Whoa, I'm wearing a Range Rover on my ears." Yup. 



1. Y'all

2. I'm a hugger


Until next week, fellow pandas!