Episode 2

"I feel great about the nineteen men that are still here." --Andi, completely seriously

It was a pretty satisfying and amusing Episode 2. I laughed out loud at a couple of things the guys said this week, whether or not they actually meant to be funny. 

 

ERIC'S ONE-ON-ONE

This date was brought to you by Bear Mountain, Spy Optic, Red Bull, Neff Gloves, and Vive Snowboards. 

Seriously, though:

Andi and Eric were paid a visit by Louie Vito and his endorsers.

Andi and Eric were paid a visit by Louie Vito and his endorsers.

I found Eric's date both lovely and painful to watch. He is such a warm, beautiful man, it's hard to believe he's gone. He manages to be honest on a show where it's really not easy to be and not overtly encouraged:

"Who knows, it's early on, but I can already see there's potential there."

"It's early on" + "potential" = appropriately effusive first date talk

"The biggest part of it [being ready for marriage now] is seeing other people that I knew and loved get married and... I still know and love them. They didn't disappear, they didn't become weird, their lives didn't end, they still have all this adventure, and they're still themselves."

I can't describe how much this quote resonates with me. This is a profoundly true, touching, and honest statement.

Everything about Eric makes so much sense. It's not even that I necessarily think they're perfect for each other. He's just got it together: eloquent, sophisticated, humble, observant, self-aware. I can't even bear to write about him using past tense. I just... Argh.

Moving on.

Back at the house, the guys have clearly been told "something is about to happen" because that's pretty much the only reason why contestants sit practically on top of one another in a U-shape around the coffee table. (We don't just hang out like that)

I LOVE Andrew and Chris' sarcastic reaction to the doorbell. It perfectly sums up how I felt many, many times while in their shoes:

WHAT COULD IT BE. NOT A DATE CARD. NO WAY.

WHAT COULD IT BE. NOT A DATE CARD. NO WAY.

Was I the only one who REALLY wanted Craig to stick around? I mean, come on:

I seriously considered making banners for each episode just so I could put this at the top of the page.

I seriously considered making banners for each episode just so I could put this at the top of the page.

GROUP DATE

The boys are informed they'll be stripping for charity because this is a proportionately normal activity for a 14-on-1 date scenario. I'm not even kidding. Doing a choreographed strip show on the first date is about as normal as a 14-on-1 date itself.

I'm not completely sure why but I fully laughed when Patrick said, "Are we doing the same thing that they're doing?" with this wonderfully sincere face:

This is the look of realization dawning.

This is the look of realization dawning.

Another highlight for me: When Scott, leader of the Hollywood Men pack, says completely seriously and matter-of-factly, "As you guys know, you're our firefighters, one of the most popular female fantasies."

Female fantasies are serious business.

Female fantasies are serious business.

To which the men, notably Patrick and Brett, nod morosely:

For some reason I find Patrick totally hilarious but I don't think it's intentional on his part. 

Meanwhile, Cody:

How does this person exist?

How does this person exist?

The evening portion of the date brings what has to be one of the most va-va-voom looks the Bachelorette has ever seen, and the boys react suitably:

I named this photo boobs.jpg. I'm not joking.

I named this photo boobs.jpg. I'm not joking.

à la:

Y'all know this is by Tex Avery.

Y'all know this is by Tex Avery.

Craig's drunken downward spiral is hardly worth mentioning; it's so similar to Victoria's from last season (also Episode 2) that it seems like a parody. I mean, they must have an inkling during casting who has the tendency to drink too much and who doesn't. And believe me, if you don't know when to stop on your own, no one from production is going to help you with that.

 

CHRIS' ONE-ON-ONE

I believe Chris secured himself a spot in the Final Four with this episode. His one-on-one went comically well. He was gentlemanly, charming while still coming off as modest, and positively gushed about Andi. Not a lot of edge, but a great Bachelor package.

What won me over about Chris is he was able to say things like, "I'm here for the right reasons. I want to meet somebody" and actually sound sincere. That is such a clichéd franchise phrase and yet I believed him.

Andi and Chris ever-so-randomly fall into conversation with this well-cast couple of 55 years:

Despite the insane artificiality of this whole scene, they were pretty cute. Assuming they're a real couple.

Despite the insane artificiality of this whole scene, they were pretty cute. Assuming they're a real couple.

And what early one-on-one would be complete without a visit from an unknown band? Granted, This Wild Life sounded good. But I always feel like this scenario is so dreadfully awkward:

Can't say I've ever fantasized about a private concert the way I have firefighters.

Can't say I've ever fantasized about a private concert the way I have firefighters.

Like, the musicians are RIGHT. THERE. Mere meters away. During Bachelor, I secretly hoped I wouldn't get one of these private concerts and was very fortunate not to.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Rose Ceremony night, and Andrew is once again taking one for the team and obliging the producers with talk of there being "tension in the air" to a wall of straight faces:

The producers continue to love him.

The producers continue to love him.

Something about this conversation reminds me so much of my dear friend Kat Hurd, who so often bit the bullet and said what needed to be said so we could all move on and talk about our hair. (Love you, Kat!)

 

The Rose Ceremony eliminations weren't very surprising but I confess I was hoping Andi would forgive Craig and keep him over Bradley. Even before his drunken shenanigans, Craig was a very entertaining character who I think means well. Bradley's singing in inappropriate social situations is too much for me. They didn't air this, but he was singing constantly during the group date, much to my chagrin. Bradley is making a spectacle of himself with the opera schtick to the point where when he goes home (and he will) America will know nothing more about him than we did the first night: That he's an opera singer. 

 

BEST DRESSED

I loved Ron's discreet yet sharp look. He looks like a Theory ad in a very good way.

Nick V gets a close second with his cute getup. I like how he always looks ever-so-slightly disheveled. He's got a unique personal style – loved his polka dot tie last week – that I think suits him.

 

FASHION FAILS

You know I dig Marquel but there is just too much going on here. I was almost able to deal with the shirt and tie combo but when he crossed his ankle over his knee it was over.

 

SIDE OBSERVATIONS

Dylan! WHY gel up your hair when you look LIKE THIS in a beanie/with it out of your face?!

Dylan is FINE dressed down. A haircut is in order.

Dylan is FINE dressed down. A haircut is in order.

Since the Premiere I've been trying to pinpoint where I've seen Josh's hair before and I think I've finally got it:

I made Josh his very own Mii.

I made Josh his very own Mii.

ANDI'S LOOKS

Likely surprising nobody, I LOVED Andi's 40's look for her one-on-one with Chris:

That chic side 'do and those pearls! We all have a string of pearls collecting dust somewhere; doesn't this make you want to dig yours up and wrap it around your wrist?

Unfortunately, the Rose Ceremony dress was a fail for me:

WAY too pageant-y for me. She's fitted for everything she wears yet somehow this dress looks ill-fitting and unflattering. 

Compare the weird-fitting plunge of that dress with her Group Date cocktail party dress, which was dripping with sex appeal:

I love the sheer stripes on the long sleeves and the plunging neck is sexy without going too far. (It's close, but there's enough coverage elsewhere) It's undeniable; She looked HOT in that dress.

 

DRINKING GAME WORDS OF THE WEEK

1. Y'all

2. Stop

 

Until next week, fellow pandas!